Could it be that one year has passed since my surgery? It's funny how quickly life moves from one death defying moment into oblivion. But, here I am, seemingly unscathed and very much alive! Last year at this time, I was making my final wishes. Morbid, yet comforting. Gina would try to interrupt me as I listed what I wanted to happen if the unthinkable happened. I found peace in this task. Perhaps I'm a control freak, but just the same, I'm glad I did it. I think everyone should have to face such an occasion in life to awaken senses one thought was impossible to possess. I wasn't eloquent nor did I possess one shred of poise. I was either terrified and psychotic or on auto-pilot.
I recall sitting in my surgeon's office, Dr. Huddleston, with my arms folded and rolling my eyes at my sister's every concern. Dr. H sat calm, cool and collected- only breaking a slight grin when Gina and I bickered at one another. I wanted to stand up, flail my arms around and yell "how can you be so calm at a time like this?" Perhaps I wanted him to accommodate my mania, but he just wasn't having it! He'd had dealt with this before.
I wondered if I'd live. Then in the ICU, I wondered if I'd ever stop throwing up. I'd made explicit plans that everyone was to leave the room if I were to indeed begin to vomit, but in the end, everyone in St. Louis Children's saw me at my worst. I came home a slept upright in a recliner for a month. I took supervised showers, and had a babysitter and chauffeur for over 6 weeks. Now, I probably annoy everyone with my factoids about Congenital Heart Defects (or Congenital Heart Disease depending on your preference). No longer does covering up the bright red line on my chest seem important. What's important to me now, is making sure I can do what I can. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am ALIVE! There are days that I ask myself "Was it just a year ago that I had surgery?" Then there was the 1st day in March that I stood on the steps of Capitol Hill in a new suit thinking "Wow! How did I get here?" I'm still working on the poise and maybe even eloquence, but indeed, what a difference a year makes!!!!
