Over the past year and a half, I managed to gain 15 pounds and get as out of shape as I could possibly get. Granted, a large factor was my heart issues. The other factor was how I dealt with all the issues in my life: eating- poorly I might add. I should know better! How many hours have I spent on a treadmill? An agonizing half hour in which I'm huffing and puffing burns off maybe one cupcake. Somehow, when I'm recovered from my workout, I'd quickly downplay the agony of the gym. I'm not proud that I have bouts in which I'm a ravenous hog. I guess it could be worse. Some people deal with stress in other ways: they smoke, drink or pop pills. Thankfully my metabolism is decent enough. And thankfully I have enough vanity and sense to know it's mind over Cheetos. We all use food as a crutch, a pacifier, a way to pass the time. We really don't need all the crap we eat, so we should stop lying to ourselves!
Even when my heart was having issues and my right ventricle wasn't fully functioning, I worked out. Imagine taking a 3 mile walk- through water. That's what it felt like. My arms and legs felt as heavy as lead! I still did it, and I didn't die. As a matter of fact, it's why I bounced back so quickly in ICU after my surgery. If I can do it, anyone can do it! I don't let myself get away with a pity party for too long and nobody else should. I might add that I have several CHD friends who have either had a heart transplant, are awaiting a heart transplant, have a pacemaker or have some sort of heart failure that require taking a lot of meds. Guess what? They get out and exercise just about every day!
Ultimately, it's a choice. Sure, genetics play a small factor and certain health conditions, but that's only to a point. When I don't like how I look, I know it's was mainly my choice to eat unhealthy.
Recovery from surgery is no easy task. Something about facing death that makes you want to take care of yourself. I've been walking and doing light weights for 45-60 minutes a day. Sometimes I wake up tired and remain that way all day. I know it will pass and by the first day of summer, I want to be close to my goals.
I'm just as human as the next person, but I can't sympathize with those who go on and on about being unhappy with their weight if they don't even try.
I'm determined to get out of my bad habits and make the changes I want to see. I know how it's done. We all know how it's done! Who's with me? Oh, and as I write this, I'd like a cupcake. But tonight the cupcake loses!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What is beauty anyways?
When I was a teenager, and as trite as it seems, I hoped to one day become a supermodel. I was tall and skinny, but I could walk into a room unnoticed. I wasn't asked to prom nor did I ever have a boyfriend in high school. A couple of years later, I was wondering around the streets of New York going to open calls at some of the most prominent modeling agencies in the world: Ford, Elite, Wilhelmina, IMG, Click, to name a few. Sometimes I only got as far as the receptionist, who took my photos and promptly returned with a "you're just not what we're looking for." It could have been much worse! I saw hundreds of girls have their dreams squashed right before my eyes. They were the probably popular girls at home: the prom queen, the cheerleader, or the daughter of wealth who got everything she ever wanted. In New York, they found that life can be extremely harsh. These were the type of girls who wouldn't hesitate to point out my flaws. There, they had thick thighs, bulging eyes and whatever perceived flaw an agent would detect on a short glance. Mostly, these girls didn't get past the height issue, even though they tired to strut in 5-inch heels, everyone knew they were 5'4. If you didn't win the genetic lottery and have at least a 5'9 stature, you could not be a model. The standards of beauty are ever changing but they are getting harsher. Tall, young and thin will always be in fashion, but the boundaries are puzzling.
Somehow, I dodged harsh criticism in those agencies (and sometimes I received positive feedback and callbacks). Perhaps I had already paid those dues. In the end, I was awkward looking at home, but apparently not awkward enough in New York. There are times I regret that I gave up on the modeling idea. I was encouraged to keep at it. Over the past few years, I wonder if I could have survived the harsh criticism any female receives if they have any notoriety. My weight has fluctuated at times and I am past 30. There are things I don't like about my face, but I could only imagine how it would be pointed out and repeatedly scrutinized in public.
This past week, I was in L.A. visiting friends. We happened to get into a taping of The Jimmy Kimmel Live Show. Courteney Cox was a guest. She was absolutely stunning in person! I couldn't stop staring at her perfect legs! When I logged on Jimmy Kimmel's Facebook page afterwards, I was disgusted and horrified at what I read. Courteney's looks (and age) were ripped to shreds from head to toe. Granted, I think whatever filler she had put in her face was unnecessary and excessive, but can one blame her for getting a little desperate? I thought Heidi Montag was crazy for having the 10 plastic surgeries she had, but if you read any article about her online there's a multitude of biting criticisms about her looks to follow in the user comments section. I always though she was kinda cute! She has an elongated face and the popular slam was calling her a "horse face!" OUCH! I mean, I have an elongated face. Perhaps I've been called that on several occasion myself? How can those barbs not cut into anyone's soul? At least Heidi is in her 20's. Courteney is in her 40's and somehow, in today's society, anyone over a day past 35 is not only considered "old" but can't be "hot". What planet do we live on that this concept has not only become mainstream, but is OK? When did it become socially acceptable to evaluate anyone and everyone head to toe? 99.9% of us a imperfect, but we forget that when someone else comes onto the screen- or walks into a room. Women can be horrible and catty and we contribute greatly to our own demise. I wish there was a movement in which that kind of behavior is no longer tolerated or acceptable among our gender. I can dream, can't I? We seem to forget however, for ever criticism or insult you throw out about someone, two come back at you. We all do it. It usually starts with a "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank about how one is aging, how big their butt looks or what is wrong with their face)...
I still think Courteney Cox is breathtaking. If I look even half as good as her at 46, I'd be very happy. I am going to try to be the best I can be. Perhaps if I go unnoticed, it could be a blessing. What is beauty anyways? Can anyone put their finger on the formula today?
Somehow, I dodged harsh criticism in those agencies (and sometimes I received positive feedback and callbacks). Perhaps I had already paid those dues. In the end, I was awkward looking at home, but apparently not awkward enough in New York. There are times I regret that I gave up on the modeling idea. I was encouraged to keep at it. Over the past few years, I wonder if I could have survived the harsh criticism any female receives if they have any notoriety. My weight has fluctuated at times and I am past 30. There are things I don't like about my face, but I could only imagine how it would be pointed out and repeatedly scrutinized in public.
This past week, I was in L.A. visiting friends. We happened to get into a taping of The Jimmy Kimmel Live Show. Courteney Cox was a guest. She was absolutely stunning in person! I couldn't stop staring at her perfect legs! When I logged on Jimmy Kimmel's Facebook page afterwards, I was disgusted and horrified at what I read. Courteney's looks (and age) were ripped to shreds from head to toe. Granted, I think whatever filler she had put in her face was unnecessary and excessive, but can one blame her for getting a little desperate? I thought Heidi Montag was crazy for having the 10 plastic surgeries she had, but if you read any article about her online there's a multitude of biting criticisms about her looks to follow in the user comments section. I always though she was kinda cute! She has an elongated face and the popular slam was calling her a "horse face!" OUCH! I mean, I have an elongated face. Perhaps I've been called that on several occasion myself? How can those barbs not cut into anyone's soul? At least Heidi is in her 20's. Courteney is in her 40's and somehow, in today's society, anyone over a day past 35 is not only considered "old" but can't be "hot". What planet do we live on that this concept has not only become mainstream, but is OK? When did it become socially acceptable to evaluate anyone and everyone head to toe? 99.9% of us a imperfect, but we forget that when someone else comes onto the screen- or walks into a room. Women can be horrible and catty and we contribute greatly to our own demise. I wish there was a movement in which that kind of behavior is no longer tolerated or acceptable among our gender. I can dream, can't I? We seem to forget however, for ever criticism or insult you throw out about someone, two come back at you. We all do it. It usually starts with a "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank about how one is aging, how big their butt looks or what is wrong with their face)...
I still think Courteney Cox is breathtaking. If I look even half as good as her at 46, I'd be very happy. I am going to try to be the best I can be. Perhaps if I go unnoticed, it could be a blessing. What is beauty anyways? Can anyone put their finger on the formula today?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Aftermath
It's been a little over 5 weeks since my surgery. It's seems like it was a long time ago, yet I'm suspended in a dreamlike disbelief. For over a year, my heart surgery was my whole life. I had to plan, deal, have daily break-downs, have several medical tests, meet doctors and surgeons and get past the holidays. My Caringbridge site took up what little writing energy I had.
It's impossible to get back to normal. Life will never be the same and that's a good thing. I made it through something in which I could not foresee my survival. God was good and I'm blessed! Now, I will express my gratitude by how I live each day. With my body still healing, my mind is open to all the possibilities again. For the first time in my life, I can tell myself that I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy.
Besides the impending surgery, last year was difficult. My mom's health has been steadily going downhill and well as my step-father's. I could not continue grad school with my own health issues. My Aunt Ruth began losing her battle with her health and Alzheimer's. It's still a difficult time for my family and I know this year we will face more hard times. I hope my strength and all the blessings will persevere for all of us.
I am going to try to get back to writing. It's been a long time since I've been actively writing. I missed it! Hope I can write about all sorts of things on this blog now! Life goes on and guess what? I'm still standing!
It's impossible to get back to normal. Life will never be the same and that's a good thing. I made it through something in which I could not foresee my survival. God was good and I'm blessed! Now, I will express my gratitude by how I live each day. With my body still healing, my mind is open to all the possibilities again. For the first time in my life, I can tell myself that I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy.
Besides the impending surgery, last year was difficult. My mom's health has been steadily going downhill and well as my step-father's. I could not continue grad school with my own health issues. My Aunt Ruth began losing her battle with her health and Alzheimer's. It's still a difficult time for my family and I know this year we will face more hard times. I hope my strength and all the blessings will persevere for all of us.
I am going to try to get back to writing. It's been a long time since I've been actively writing. I missed it! Hope I can write about all sorts of things on this blog now! Life goes on and guess what? I'm still standing!
Friday, January 21, 2011
February 17 is quickly approaching!
I've set up a Caring Bridge Website for my surgery. It will be updated often throughout my surgery and recovery. Please go to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lenamorsch
You have to register for the Caring Bridge site (sorry) but I figured this is the best way to keep everyone posted. I hope to be writing more about things other than my health on my blog.
Thanks!
You have to register for the Caring Bridge site (sorry) but I figured this is the best way to keep everyone posted. I hope to be writing more about things other than my health on my blog.
Thanks!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The process
The past several months I've been going through a process. I didn't realize this was something that I needed. I simply thought I was losing my mind. It's been a rough year. Not only with facing surgery, but I feel this year and it's events have been a turning point in my life. I feel the need to make changes within myself and where I am at in life. Unfortunately finding myself has been put on hold. My mom isn't in the best of health and needs our assistance and it's very time consuming. I need to have the farm tended to, phone calls to make, to-do lists to write and work. There is so much to do and I can't think straight. I can't seem to discipline myself to be productive.
Some days, I just wanna lie down, sleep and forget every worry being hammered into my head. The world around me seems to be going crazy along with everyone in it. I'm extremely emotional and even more empathetic of those in pain. I used to get away with a few days of raging PMS in which I'd burst into tears upon hearing some sappy song on the radio or seeing something unoriginal and cheesy on TV. Now it's everyday that I experience these highs and lows. And no, I'm not bi-polar. I'm lucky to have found out that this is normal. It's not easy, but it's allowed.
My Aunt Lula used to say "it's always darkest before dawn" whenever someone in the family was having a hard time. She was right. I realize that when you are faced with such a surprise in life, you have to allow yourself this process otherwise you really will go crazy. I'm in for a fight that I plan to win. I can't deny that I ran from this fear since my last surgery. It has been one of my biggest nightmares- and I've ran face first into it! I've asked "why?" Whatever I feel, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I'll eventually get past it. This is an essential part of this process. I'm thankful to my family and friends who have supported and welcomed my meltdowns. I'm thankful to my fellow CHD patients who have reassured me that I will be ok. They have been though this and because they are here, they are my greatest hope.
I also appreciate the little things that have come my way to calm me.
The other day, I visited my family cemetery on the edge of the farm Gina and I inherited. I sat on my Aunt Callie's grave, as I have many times before and asked her to watch over me. I cried, felt sorry for myself and told her I missed her (as I often do). When I got over my little meltdown, a family of deer came out of the woods and walked by me. They acknowledged my presence and although I made them a little nervous, they mingled around before passing back into the woods. The beautiful little family of deer passed through long enough to bring peace and comfort to me. I felt good about having a good cry and thanked God for sending them my way (and of course I asked him to keep them safe).
So, please forgive me if I seem like I'm on a permanent PMS roller-coaster lately. This process is what I need and when I get through it, I'm going to be even stronger. :)
Some days, I just wanna lie down, sleep and forget every worry being hammered into my head. The world around me seems to be going crazy along with everyone in it. I'm extremely emotional and even more empathetic of those in pain. I used to get away with a few days of raging PMS in which I'd burst into tears upon hearing some sappy song on the radio or seeing something unoriginal and cheesy on TV. Now it's everyday that I experience these highs and lows. And no, I'm not bi-polar. I'm lucky to have found out that this is normal. It's not easy, but it's allowed.
My Aunt Lula used to say "it's always darkest before dawn" whenever someone in the family was having a hard time. She was right. I realize that when you are faced with such a surprise in life, you have to allow yourself this process otherwise you really will go crazy. I'm in for a fight that I plan to win. I can't deny that I ran from this fear since my last surgery. It has been one of my biggest nightmares- and I've ran face first into it! I've asked "why?" Whatever I feel, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I'll eventually get past it. This is an essential part of this process. I'm thankful to my family and friends who have supported and welcomed my meltdowns. I'm thankful to my fellow CHD patients who have reassured me that I will be ok. They have been though this and because they are here, they are my greatest hope.
I also appreciate the little things that have come my way to calm me.
The other day, I visited my family cemetery on the edge of the farm Gina and I inherited. I sat on my Aunt Callie's grave, as I have many times before and asked her to watch over me. I cried, felt sorry for myself and told her I missed her (as I often do). When I got over my little meltdown, a family of deer came out of the woods and walked by me. They acknowledged my presence and although I made them a little nervous, they mingled around before passing back into the woods. The beautiful little family of deer passed through long enough to bring peace and comfort to me. I felt good about having a good cry and thanked God for sending them my way (and of course I asked him to keep them safe).
So, please forgive me if I seem like I'm on a permanent PMS roller-coaster lately. This process is what I need and when I get through it, I'm going to be even stronger. :)
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