What is beauty anyways?

When I was a teenager, and as trite as it seems, I hoped to one day become a supermodel. I was tall and skinny, but I could walk into a room unnoticed. I wasn't asked to prom nor did I ever have a boyfriend in high school. A couple of years later, I was wondering around the streets of New York going to open calls at some of the most prominent modeling agencies in the world: Ford, Elite, Wilhelmina, IMG, Click, to name a few. Sometimes I only got as far as the receptionist, who took my photos and promptly returned with a "you're just not what we're looking for." It could have been much worse! I saw hundreds of girls have their dreams squashed right before my eyes. They were the probably popular girls at home: the prom queen, the cheerleader, or the daughter of wealth who got everything she ever wanted. In New York, they found that life can be extremely harsh. These were the type of girls who wouldn't hesitate to point out my flaws. There, they had thick thighs, bulging eyes and whatever perceived flaw an agent would detect on a short glance. Mostly, these girls didn't get past the height issue, even though they tired to strut in 5-inch heels, everyone knew they were 5'4. If you didn't win the genetic lottery and have at least a 5'9 stature, you could not be a model. The standards of beauty are ever changing but they are getting harsher. Tall, young and thin will always be in fashion, but the boundaries are puzzling.
Somehow, I dodged harsh criticism in those agencies (and sometimes I received positive feedback and callbacks). Perhaps I had already paid those dues. In the end, I was awkward looking at home, but apparently not awkward enough in New York. There are times I regret that I gave up on the modeling idea. I was encouraged to keep at it. Over the past few years, I wonder if I could have survived the harsh criticism any female receives if they have any notoriety. My weight has fluctuated at times and I am past 30. There are things I don't like about my face, but I could only imagine how it would be pointed out and repeatedly scrutinized in public.
This past week, I was in L.A. visiting friends. We happened to get into a taping of The Jimmy Kimmel Live Show. Courteney Cox was a guest. She was absolutely stunning in person! I couldn't stop staring at her perfect legs! When I logged on Jimmy Kimmel's Facebook page afterwards, I was disgusted and horrified at what I read. Courteney's looks (and age) were ripped to shreds from head to toe. Granted, I think whatever filler she had put in her face was unnecessary and excessive, but can one blame her for getting a little desperate? I thought Heidi Montag was crazy for having the 10 plastic surgeries she had, but if you read any article about her online there's a multitude of biting criticisms about her looks to follow in the user comments section. I always though she was kinda cute! She has an elongated face and the popular slam was calling her a "horse face!" OUCH! I mean, I have an elongated face. Perhaps I've been called that on several occasion myself? How can those barbs not cut into anyone's soul? At least Heidi is in her 20's. Courteney is in her 40's and somehow, in today's society, anyone over a day past 35 is not only considered "old" but can't be "hot". What planet do we live on that this concept has not only become mainstream, but is OK? When did it become socially acceptable to evaluate anyone and everyone head to toe? 99.9% of us a imperfect, but we forget that when someone else comes onto the screen- or walks into a room. Women can be horrible and catty and we contribute greatly to our own demise. I wish there was a movement in which that kind of behavior is no longer tolerated or acceptable among our gender. I can dream, can't I? We seem to forget however, for ever criticism or insult you throw out about someone, two come back at you. We all do it. It usually starts with a "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank about how one is aging, how big their butt looks or what is wrong with their face)...
I still think Courteney Cox is breathtaking. If I look even half as good as her at 46, I'd be very happy. I am going to try to be the best I can be. Perhaps if I go unnoticed, it could be a blessing. What is beauty anyways? Can anyone put their finger on the formula today?

Aftermath

It's been a little over 5 weeks since my surgery. It's seems like it was a long time ago, yet I'm suspended in a dreamlike disbelief. For over a year, my heart surgery was my whole life. I had to plan, deal, have daily break-downs, have several medical tests, meet doctors and surgeons and get past the holidays. My Caringbridge site took up what little writing energy I had.
It's impossible to get back to normal. Life will never be the same and that's a good thing. I made it through something in which I could not foresee my survival. God was good and I'm blessed! Now, I will express my gratitude by how I live each day. With my body still healing, my mind is open to all the possibilities again. For the first time in my life, I can tell myself that I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy.
Besides the impending surgery, last year was difficult. My mom's health has been steadily going downhill and well as my step-father's. I could not continue grad school with my own health issues. My Aunt Ruth began losing her battle with her health and Alzheimer's. It's still a difficult time for my family and I know this year we will face more hard times. I hope my strength and all the blessings will persevere for all of us.
I am going to try to get back to writing. It's been a long time since I've been actively writing. I missed it! Hope I can write about all sorts of things on this blog now! Life goes on and guess what? I'm still standing!

February 17 is quickly approaching!

I've set up a Caring Bridge Website for my surgery. It will be updated often throughout my surgery and recovery. Please go to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lenamorsch
You have to register for the Caring Bridge site (sorry) but I figured this is the best way to keep everyone posted. I hope to be writing more about things other than my health on my blog.
Thanks!

The process

The past several months I've been going through a process. I didn't realize this was something that I needed. I simply thought I was losing my mind. It's been a rough year. Not only with facing surgery, but I feel this year and it's events have been a turning point in my life. I feel the need to make changes within myself and where I am at in life. Unfortunately finding myself has been put on hold. My mom isn't in the best of health and needs our assistance and it's very time consuming. I need to have the farm tended to, phone calls to make, to-do lists to write and work. There is so much to do and I can't think straight. I can't seem to discipline myself to be productive.

Some days, I just wanna lie down, sleep and forget every worry being hammered into my head. The world around me seems to be going crazy along with everyone in it. I'm extremely emotional and even more empathetic of those in pain. I used to get away with a few days of raging PMS in which I'd burst into tears upon hearing some sappy song on the radio or seeing something unoriginal and cheesy on TV. Now it's everyday that I experience these highs and lows. And no, I'm not bi-polar. I'm lucky to have found out that this is normal. It's not easy, but it's allowed.

My Aunt Lula used to say "it's always darkest before dawn" whenever someone in the family was having a hard time. She was right. I realize that when you are faced with such a surprise in life, you have to allow yourself this process otherwise you really will go crazy. I'm in for a fight that I plan to win. I can't deny that I ran from this fear since my last surgery. It has been one of my biggest nightmares- and I've ran face first into it! I've asked "why?" Whatever I feel, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I'll eventually get past it. This is an essential part of this process. I'm thankful to my family and friends who have supported and welcomed my meltdowns. I'm thankful to my fellow CHD patients who have reassured me that I will be ok. They have been though this and because they are here, they are my greatest hope.

I also appreciate the little things that have come my way to calm me.

The other day, I visited my family cemetery on the edge of the farm Gina and I inherited. I sat on my Aunt Callie's grave, as I have many times before and asked her to watch over me. I cried, felt sorry for myself and told her I missed her (as I often do). When I got over my little meltdown, a family of deer came out of the woods and walked by me. They acknowledged my presence and although I made them a little nervous, they mingled around before passing back into the woods. The beautiful little family of deer passed through long enough to bring peace and comfort to me. I felt good about having a good cry and thanked God for sending them my way (and of course I asked him to keep them safe).

So, please forgive me if I seem like I'm on a permanent PMS roller-coaster lately. This process is what I need and when I get through it, I'm going to be even stronger. :)

Normalcy

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was somewhat happy that I finally figured out how to program the TV in the bedroom so I could watch Roseanne while I fall asleep. My mind started drifting to my ever present worries and then it hit me: a panic attack! I almost got up and erased this blog! I started thinking about how every single detail of my heart condition is out there! I've tried to be normal my whole life and that's why I kept my health private. Then I started thinking about my friend Sarah who passed away 2 years ago after a heart transplant. For those of you who don't know the story, I met Sarah after she moved to southern Illinois with her husband from central Wisconsin. Fate brought us together. We were two girls who wanted to be writers, loved animals and both had heart defects. She even had the same cardiologist as me! I met her as she was getting listed on the transplant list. Four years later, she moved home after her husband declared that he wanted a divorce. She had a blog and wrote about what she was going through. I woke up many mornings with an e-mail from Sarah waiting for me and it always made my day. She had an enormous talent with words- whether she was presenting herself to a friend or the world. I still go to her page or read her e-mails on nights that I really miss her. God, she was the bravest soul I have ever met! Even though I have some big issues, she had far worse than I do. She pressed forward and her faith did not falter. I fear people who don't know me that well will mistake this as a ploy for sympathy, but that's not the case. I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing this, but I know that like Sarah, I should give those, like me, a voice in their struggles. Not many people think about Congenital Heart Disease or understand it. Now, I hope many will.

I decided today to try to get back to my normal routine- as much as possible. The surgeon's office called and set up a consultation appointment for the end of October, so I have that long to consider every question I will have for this man. Until then, I'm going to try to exercise daily, eat right and get my mind, body and spirit in the best shape possible. I know how to fight this fight, I only need to find the faith I once had. I am going to make the choice to believe that this problem (no matter how scary and disappointing it is right now) will turn into a blessing! Perhaps the reason I met Sarah in the last few years of her life was to find the strength that I would later need. She is the true inspiration for this blog, so I hope I don't really freak out and erase it. :)

I have to return to normalcy-the Lena version. This is just a bump in the road...

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Not that I ever dread a dentist appointment, but I am welcoming the change! Oh- and I have a hair appointment too! I don't think my hair will ever be normal, no matter how much I hope and pray for that!